The hardest post I will ever make...

This is truly the hardest post I will probably ever have to make and I'm sure I will cry while writing ever bit of it too. I know I don't have to share this with you, but for some reason I feel like I need to share what happened and how I feel. It truly has been the worst week of my life.

Thursday we went to the doctor for my 12 week check-up and to get the 1st chance to hear our baby's heartbeat. I was scared because I think I knew something was wrong, but excited that maybe there was a chance I would be wrong about that. Needless to say... we didn't hear the baby's heartbeat at all and instead were rushed in for an emergency ultrasound. I knew something was wrong the moment I saw the screen. I still have nightmares every night of seeing that screen over and over again. I could see our baby, but no little heartbeat! The doctor didn't even have to say it... I already knew at that very moment I would never get to hold or rock my baby. It is the single hardest thing I've ever had to face.

You know... miscarriage is so taboo in this world and I think that's crazy. A mother should have every right to go through the grieving, because that was a real life and is a very real loss.

The most amazing thing to me is how in the blink of an eye... all of your hopes and dreams change. You realize over the next days that you are capable of feeling a sadness deeper than you ever thought possible. That you truly are just as strong as those people who you thought were the strongest people in your life. You also realize that you are not alone...and this has happened to a lot of people. You also realize how loved you are by people you never thought cared much. I've found people coming from all walks of life, friends that I haven't talked to in years, and my family trying to help me through this hard, grey moment in my life. It's amazing how your perspective on life changes at the flip of a switch...not all for the bad either.

One of my greatest findings over the past few days is that my husband is my rock and truly the love of my life. We've always been so close, but I think we have a new understanding of each other. We are both grieving and he doesn't have to say anything to help me. Just the fact that when I sit in the living room floor and cry he picks me up, wraps his arms around me, and doesn't let go. He is my everything!

I'm very sorry if this is hard for you to read...but I hope that if you've been there, are going through it, will go through it, or know someone who does go through it that my words will help you find the strength and the light in some of it. I'm not saying that it's easy, because it is by far the hardest thing I've ever encountered and I cry every single day, but I have hope for a brighter tomorrow. For now... I dream of the day that I get to hold a beautiful, healthy baby in my arms. I also know that Jesus is taking care of my baby until I get there.

I’ll be there, From your little angel:

Daddy, please don’t look so sad,
Mama please don’t cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God,
Don’t think he is unkind
Don’t think He sent me to you
And then He changed his mind.

You see, I am a special child,
And I’m needed up above
I’m the special gift you gave Him,
The product of your love.

I’ll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that’s gleaming,
That’s my halo’s brilliant light
You’ll see me in the morning frost,
That mists your window pane,
That’s me in the summer showers,
I’ll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
From a gentle wind that blows
That’s me,
I’ll be there,
Planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
And your heart feels a little tug,
That’s me,

I’ll be there,
giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy, please don’t look so sad,
Momma don’t you cry.

I’m in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies

God Bless and Hugs,
Ashley